I’m writing this sitting at my kitchen table, wearing my favourite yoga pants that are barely holding on by a thread. There’s a gigantic hole in the crotch and the black fabric between my thighs is rubbed off and soon to split, there’s also growing hole in the right leg, do I fucking care? No, and yet I absolutely care at the same time.
I’m oddly calm but also fighting off panic attacks.
I bathe every day , sometimes twice but I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair. I don’t care, yet I also really do. I’m living on a diet of chocolate, popping those mini easter egg candies in my mouth like little sugary anxiety pills. My main meals are healthy but I’m really so very over cooking and resent it now and yet I’m not. I want to experiment and bake bread, but I can’t because all of the stores are sold out of yeast. Apparently everyone has the same idea.
I feel paralyzed in place, I sit down to work and stand up again. I want to be creative but my brain can’t hold on to thoughts right now. Everything is this virus, everything. Going grocery shopping is stressful for many reasons, yet at the same time it doesn’t bother me. I literally can’t go anywhere but have this feeling of urgency, like I’m late for something.
I want to hide like a turtle in its shell and I also want to stand out in the open. I have a million ideas but I cant find them right now, if that makes sense.
I take it one day at a time, I force myself to eat healthy meals. I force myself to stick to some sort of a schedule because the kids need it, it’s also comforting for me too. I force myself to be productive and present for my kids but juggling work and kids in 600 sq ft is next to impossible. We’re four people with one bathroom and no dishwasher. We manage.
Sweet Mary Jane
After a bowl of ice cream cake, the plant variety, all my problems go away for a spell. It also makes actual ice cream cake taste amazing. That’s how I’m getting through as I have for years, one bowl of cannabis at a time, used mindfully, when I need it.
Because of the increased anxiety, my lack of care to my nutrition, lack of exercise, my body is not happy. I’m getting all kinds of weird pains and stomach issues. I manage them all with cannabis, even with children, this is possible.
This entire blog is dedicated to teaching how to use the cannabis plant therapeutically, with intention. I hold this plant in high reverence, it’s not for everyone but for many of you it will be a godsend in these uncertain times. It will help you be in the now, it will help you shut out the fear. It will help you be more creative, it will help you relax, it will help you feel in tune to your environment. It will help you feel better.
The future is uncertain, everything will be different. I don’t think about that though, I’m just here, right now with cannabis as my salve, my healer, my medicine.